Thursday, October 9, 2008

Doing the Lord's Work: One Can at a Time.

[ 2008.10.09 19:36:08 ] MentaL DoG > hi maxtor
[ 2008.10.09 19:44:36 ] Pegleg Punk > Mr Maxtor is a little detained at the moment- praying to the Lord to deliver him from his own, foul actions.
[ 2008.10.09 19:44:47 ] Pegleg Punk > Please leave a message and I'm sure he will get right back to you...
[ 2008.10.09 19:44:49 ] Pegleg Punk > Beep?

"And the Meek shall inherit the...Smartasses?"

There he was; Mr. Caldor Maxtor accompanied by Mantor Maxtor, mining into a single jet-can in an asteroid belt located in the Trytedald system. The two subjects were members of the Falcon corporation; a "mom and pop" mining business totalling three members.

I had warped into asteroid belt 8-3 a moment earlier at a predesignated safe-spot approximately 275 km out, studying Maxtor's profile and the profile of his corporation. According to public record, Caldor and Mantor were very green pod-pilots. Mantor Maxtor's Retriever purposefully assaulted an asteroid, as Caldor tortured a similar rock at the helm of an Osprey. Both Maxtors', my marks, appeared to be dumping their plunder carelessly into a jet-can labeled "02:48".

I opened fleet-comms and addressed my hauling partner:
"Miss Toro, saddle-up. I have two offenders with contraband in 8-3."
"Loud and clear, boss!" Toro's voice betrayed her excitement. With the knowledge that Toro was on her way to my current position, I jumped, literally, into action! I designated jet-can "02:48" as my destination, inputted the coordinates into my frigate's navigation system and initiated my Rifter's warp drive.

The jump was small, and very quick. I fired up Panty Dropper's afterburners' and cleared the remaining 1700 meters to jet-can "02:48". I dropped my own jet-can, labelled it "02:48" and with practiced efficiency I withdrew 114,000 units of ore from Maxtor's jet-can "02:48", and placed the ore into my own "02:48". Caldor and Mantor seemed ignorant of what had just transpired by my hand, so I performed another small warp jump to my previous safe-spot located 275 km away. There I would sit, wait, and watch.

"Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares."

It wasn't long until Toro's Mammoth dropped out of warp, almost landing on top of my Rifter.
"Another day, another can of trash! Do I have a visual, "02:48"?" Asked Toro. She verified the jet-can's coordinates over our fleet-comms channel.
"Affirmative, Miss Toro. 10-4." I confirmed.
"On my way. See you up-side, Peg?" Toro's quisical tone was most endearing.
"Indeed, Miss. Indeed you shall..."
Toro's Mammoth hurled towards my jet-can followed by Panty Dropper, my Rifter. Once Panty Dropper reached her destination, I would attempt to coax the Maxtors' into a fisticuffs!

"Quit yourselves like men, and fight."

I was not soon disappointed! No sooner had Panty Dropper finished warping to the jet-can's coordinates than a light missile detonated against her shields! Quickly, I targeted Caldor Maxtor's Osprey, which happened to be flashing red on my HUD, due to his aggressive action. I committed Panty Dropper to a 500 meter orbit around Maxtor's cruiser. A second light missile smashed against Panty Dropper's shields. As soon as Aura resolved the targeting solution for Maxtor's Osprey I ignited my warp scrambler.

Next, I locked my webber on the hapless Osprey thereby dramatically lowering it's transversal velocity. Panty Dropper's energy vampire pulsed to life with a fiendish orange glow. The device captured precious capacitor from Caldor's cruiser and transferred the energy to my frigate. A third missile pummeled my Rifter's shields as Panty Dropper's three auto-cannons activated simultaneously. Whirring at dizzying revolutions, each of the three projectile weapons tracked the Osprey. Once Aura's firing solution was confirmed, each auto-cannon loosed fury in the form of EMP S projectile rounds.

A fourth light missile found it's mark, detonating against Panty Dropper's shield. Unfortunately for Caldor Maxtor, my frigate's shielding held steady at 55% efficiency. In comparison Panty Dropper's auto-cannons had ripped through the Osprey's shields and started carving into the small cruiser's armor.

Two more missiles would detonate harmlessly against Panty Dropper's shields before Caldor's Osprey capitulated. The resulting explosion briefly illuminated Mantor Maxtor's Retriever, Toro's Mammoth and hundreds of asteroids in belt 8-3. Wreckage lay strewn in a trail that marked the Osprey's direction of travel was all that remained of the doomed cruiser.

I picked through the remains and took what I wanted, reinforcing a simple truth that in battle, "to the victor go the spoils". While I had danced with Caldor Maxtor's Osprey, Toro had dilligently secured the contraband I had seized from Falcon corporation, moving the ore from jet-can "02:48" into her Mammoth's cargo bay.

"They that sow in tears shall reap joy."

Aura notified me that Caldor Maxtor wished to open a private communications channel with me to which I happily obliged:
[ 2008.10.09 19:26:04 ] Pegleg Punk > Hello dear sir!
[ 2008.10.09 19:26:16 ] Caldor Maxtor > Hey, why did you steal from me?
[ 2008.10.09 19:26:58 ] Pegleg Punk > I did not steal, for my intent was not to deprive! I merely keep this region of Heimatar clean!
[ 2008.10.09 19:27:38 ] Pegleg Punk > Why did you fire upon my ship!?
[ 2008.10.09 19:29:24 ] Pegleg Punk > ANSWER MY QUESTION!
[ 2008.10.09 19:29:37 ] Pegleg Punk > Or I will be forced to rip apart your pod!
[ 2008.10.09 19:30:04 ] Caldor Maxtor > May the lord have mercy on your soul.
[ 2008.10.09 19:30:28 ] Pegleg Punk > Lord?
[ 2008.10.09 19:30:33 ] Pegleg Punk > Which lord, sir?
[ 2008.10.09 19:30:37 ] Pegleg Punk > WHICH ONE?
[ 2008.10.09 19:30:44 ] Pegleg Punk > Are you cursing me with Amarrian religion?
[ 2008.10.09 19:30:57 ] Pegleg Punk > It...makes the old wounds burn, again.
[ 2008.10.09 19:30:59 ] Pegleg Punk > Again...
[ 2008.10.09 19:32:08 ] Caldor Maxtor > Bless for this destruction. For the lord will respond.
[ 2008.10.09 19:32:21 ] Pegleg Punk > I see.
[ 2008.10.09 19:32:34 ] Caldor Maxtor > After all it is the Thefs of this world that need to be cleansed by the healing power of the lord.
[ 2008.10.09 19:33:00 ] Pegleg Punk > Theft would suggest intent. And I assure you, my dear Maxtor my intent was never to deprive you.
[ 2008.10.09 19:33:19 ] Pegleg Punk > My intent was to clean the foul garbage you left lying about 8-3: Heimatar space.
[ 2008.10.09 19:33:33 ] Pegleg Punk > God is giving me a BADGE, sir. A BADGE for my actions here, today.
[ 2008.10.09 19:33:51 ] Pegleg Punk > You would do well to mark these words in the future, to avoid God's wrath: Do not litter!
[ 2008.10.09 19:34:15 ] Pegleg Punk > It is GOD's wish, Mr. Maxtor.
[ 2008.10.09 19:34:22 ] Pegleg Punk > Now, I suppose I am doing the Lord's work...

"Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man."

[ 2008.10.09 19:34:27 ] Pegleg Punk > Perhaps.
[ 2008.10.09 19:35:05 ] Pegleg Punk > The Lord would also be very displeased with your aggressive actions here, today.
[ 2008.10.09 19:35:21 ] Pegleg Punk > Isn't there a tenet of God: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?"
[ 2008.10.09 19:35:26 ] Caldor Maxtor > There was no littering. I was managing to mine for my stuff. Unfortunately, you stole from me and destroyed one of my ship.
[ 2008.10.09 19:35:29 ] Pegleg Punk > WHAT WAS IT YOU JUST DID UNTO ME!?
[ 2008.10.09 19:35:45 ] Pegleg Punk > Your "stuff" was strewn about space in asteroid belt 8-3.

[ 2008.10.09 19:35:47 ] Caldor Maxtor > You were the one that started it by stealing from me.
[ 2008.10.09 19:36:15 ] Pegleg Punk > Those words are weak in the eyes of your lord. He would not accept such a pittance of excuse for trying to shoot someone.
[ 2008.10.09 19:36:17 ] Pegleg Punk > Terrible.
[ 2008.10.09 19:36:19 ] Pegleg Punk > Deplorable.
[ 2008.10.09 19:36:26 ] Caldor Maxtor > Thee was but just one container of mine. You are the theif that the lord will punish
[ 2008.10.09 19:36:45 ] Pegleg Punk > Even I feel disappointed. I can't imagine how God feels right now, Mr. Maxtor. Disappointment in you, Mr. Maxtor- disappointment in YOU.
[ 2008.10.09 19:37:00 ] Pegleg Punk > The container of yours is the litter I speak of. Stop littering.
[ 2008.10.09 19:37:05 ] Pegleg Punk > And you will please your God.

"Be ye angry, and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil."

[ 2008.10.09 19:37:10 ] Caldor Maxtor > The lord has blessed me. You are the evil incarnate here.
[ 2008.10.09 19:37:10 ] Pegleg Punk > Stop littering Mr. Maxtor.
[ 2008.10.09 19:37:26 ] Caldor Maxtor > Stop Littering, what are you talking about?
[ 2008.10.09 19:37:27 ] Pegleg Punk > That is how many a holy war begins, Mr. Maxtor. A feeling of entitlement.
[ 2008.10.09 19:37:32 ] Pegleg Punk > A feeling of superiority.
[ 2008.10.09 19:37:49 ] Pegleg Punk > You sound like an Amarr, and I spit on Amarr.
[ 2008.10.09 19:37:52 ] Caldor Maxtor > Then a holy war it is.
[ 2008.10.09 19:38:10 ] Pegleg Punk > Dear sir, your littering is what started this- all of this.
[ 2008.10.09 19:38:36 ] Caldor Maxtor > What littering?
[ 2008.10.09 19:39:03 ] Pegleg Punk >Loosing a jet-can into space without the proper permits.

[ 2008.10.09 19:39:26 ] Caldor Maxtor > I still do not know what litter I supposedly had. I was stocking a container when you stole it as a lowly theif does.
[ 2008.10.09 19:39:26 ] Pegleg Punk > I suggest you quickly apply for the proper mining permits before continuing this act of law-breaking.
[ 2008.10.09 19:39:41 ] Pegleg Punk > No amount of praying can change the law, Mr. Maxtor. It takes LOBBYING.
[ 2008.10.09 19:39:44 ] Pegleg Punk > and ISK.
[ 2008.10.09 19:39:46 ] Pegleg Punk > And time.
[ 2008.10.09 19:40:05 ] Pegleg Punk > Your detritus lay strewn about 8-3 and you had not a permit to show for such behavior.
[ 2008.10.09 19:40:09 ] Caldor Maxtor > Oh, so now you are the law? Man such theivering and lieing does not make a very good god faring man.
[ 2008.10.09 19:40:29 ] Pegleg Punk > Without a permit, civil engineers such as myself have to clean up the garbage left laying about and report offenders to Minmatar Authorities.
[ 2008.10.09 19:40:45 ] Pegleg Punk > I am not the law, I am a civil engineer keeping his area of Heimatar clean, and safe.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight."

[ 2008.10.09 19:41:01 ] Pegleg Punk > You seem to represent God!
[ 2008.10.09 19:41:14 ] Pegleg Punk > And not very well, Mr. Maxtor- not very well.
[ 2008.10.09 19:41:34 ] Pegleg Punk > I'm sure your lord is not very happy with you right now.
[ 2008.10.09 19:41:56 ] Pegleg Punk > Any sort of after-life you imagine yourself entitled to is probably forfeit due to your actions.
[ 2008.10.09 19:42:20 ] Pegleg Punk > I would think long. I would think carefully about the demons festering in your soul and EXPUNGE them. Expunge them, Mr. Maxtor.
[ 2008.10.09 19:42:33 ] Caldor Maxtor > May the lord take pitty on your sole.
[ 2008.10.09 19:43:23 ] Caldor Maxtor > and now who starts it?
[ 2008.10.09 19:43:33 ] Pegleg Punk > Yes, my shoe needs pity, sir. It needs PITY.
[ 2008.10.09 19:43:42 ] Pegleg Punk > There is a rock in my sole, and it hurts when I walk.
[ 2008.10.09 19:44:05 ] Caldor Maxtor > Enjoy your life you theifing liar.

"Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good."

With flagrant disregard, Caldor Maxtor ignored one of the most important tenets of his faith and lost an Ibis as a result! I did not have the heart to inform Caldor Maxtor that stupidity is not a prerequisite to martyrdom- though it helps...

Later that night Miss Toro and I dined by candle light in a wonderful little restaraunt we frequent, La Sorento's. While we waited for our meal Toro raised her wine glass, filled with an expensive Shiraz, and offerred a toast;
"May the lord take pity on your worn, hapless sole, Pegleg!" She said, unable to stifle a fit of giggles. I tapped my glass of wine against hers and laughed heartily before drinking deeply from my cup.


Spectre said...

"You are the evil incarnate here."

That is a quote you need to put in your bio or on your blog somewhere. I wish people would say stuff like that to me :) Very entertaining post... I think getting responses out of people like that is the most fun part about ganking and griefing newbies.

Mynxee said...

You, sir, are delightfully insane and a most wonderful storyteller. May God have mercy on your sole.

Hallan Turrek said...

Our soles are irrevocably lost when we walk the path of piracy.

You sir, are quite mad.

And entertaining.

Pegleg Punk said...

@spectre: I agree, dear sir! Player reaction is worth 10x it's weight in ISK, factional modules, or even a whole cargo can of exotic dancers!
@mynxee: Would a lack of shoes make me soleless?
@hallan turrek: You know what is absolutely delightful? walking barefoot on a bear rug...carebear rug, that is!

James Egan said...

Bravo. That was hysterical !


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